What to Expect from Couples Counseling?

Mnogi od nas odrastaju s romantičnom idejom da ljubav treba teći prirodno, bez napora i bez previše propitivanja. No, jesu li naša intuicija i emocije doista precizni vodiči u ljubavnom odnosu? I jesu li naši emocionalni impulsi pouzdani ili ih ipak trebamo propitati dublje? Je li neromantično ili problematično izložiti naš najprivatniji odnos profesionalnom pogledu i tražiti pomoć? Iskreno, rijetko u životu dobijemo smislenu podršku i vođenje kako bismo razumjeli tko smo u odnosu, kakve odnose želimo graditi i kako to ostvariti. Zato je potpuno razumljivo potražiti pomoć.

Naše veze često nose tragove prošlih iskustava, osobito onih iz djetinjstva. Kao odrasli ljudi, još uvijek reagiramo na načine na koje smo nekad morali da bismo osigurali prihvaćanje i preživljavanje. Međutim, ono što nam je nekada dobro služilo, u odraslim odnosima vjerojatno nas barem dijelom ograničava. 

S obzirom na to da su nam ljubavni odnosi važni i da donose blizinu s drugima, prirodno je da izazivaju osjećaje ranjivosti i aktiviraju obrane koje smo razvili kako bismo se prilagodili svojim okolnostima i svijetu oko nas. U ljubavni odnos ćemo uplesti sve što duboko osjećamo o sebi i svijetu; naše neosvještene pretpostavke o tome što zaslužujemo i kako nas drugi vide, strategije naučene davno u ranom djetinjstvu ili kroz kasnija iskustva. I upravo zato  ljubavne veze nude nam dragocjene prilike. One nam pomažu preispitati vlastite postavke, postati svjesniji sebe i razviti bolje načine povezivanja, kako s partnerom, tako i sa samima sobom.

What Does Couples Counseling Look Like, and What Can You Expect?

The daily proximity and practical problems every couple faces make it challenging to truly see and understand each other. Therefore, entering a new space and conversing with a therapist often allows partners to gain distance from the everyday and a fresh perspective on themselves, their partner, and their relationship.

The first meeting with a therapist is usually an opportunity to create a safe space where vulnerability can be shared. Partners come to counseling or therapy with both expressed and unspoken desires and goals regarding their relationship. The therapist doesn't provide ready-made solutions but offers support in the process of clarifying what's happening in the relationship. The goal of Gestalt therapy is to facilitate change that comes through clarity and understanding of the relationship.

In this process, it's important to understand the true needs and reasons behind each partner's behavior. What lies behind certain behaviors—arguments, grievances, distancing, or agreeing to something that doesn't suit us? Is it a struggle for power and respect, a need for belonging and security in the relationship, or something else?

Beyond each partner's personal perspective, couples counseling helps the couple understand the nature of their contact, i.e., how they together shape the dynamics of the relationship and how each participates in maintaining that dynamic. For example, one person may express anger loudly, accuse, while the other withdraws, avoids, or takes the blame. As long as this dynamic persists, neither person recognizes their own needs nor takes responsibility for them.

Couples create various complex, sometimes very subtle dynamics that are based on entirely different ideas and expectations than what they might seem. Uncovering these dynamics offers great potential for change, personal growth, and growth as a couple.

Danish therapist Hanne Hostrup describes the "games" couples play to avoid honestly expressing their feelings and needs. For example, a partner who feels insecure may unconsciously provoke jealousy to receive confirmation from the other partner that they care. The other partner may use withdrawal or silence as a form of control, creating emotional distance and making the partner constantly guess what's wrong. Some couples express disagreements through passive aggression—small provocations or sarcastic comments, instead of open dialogue. Becoming aware of these patterns provides an opportunity for deeper, more honest dialogue.

When we become aware of these dynamics, we have the chance to meet as two people who no longer hide behind their masks. We can openly express our needs, desires, and insecurities. Through such a process, the relationship can become a space where we are both accepted—not perfect, but real.

The goal of couples therapy isn't necessarily to 'fix' the relationship or fulfill fantasies of perfection. The aim is to enable partners to clearly see who they are, what they bring into the relationship, and how they both actively create that dynamic. Is this something we want to maintain? Will we move toward open, honest contact? Couples therapy allows for deep inner reflection and the courage to ask questions that may have never been spoken.

The goal of couples therapy isn't necessarily to 'fix' the relationship or fulfill fantasies of perfection. The aim is to enable partners to clearly see who they are, what they bring into the relationship, and how they both actively create that dynamic. Is this something we want to maintain? Will we move toward open, honest contact? Couples therapy allows for deep inner reflection and the courage to ask questions that may have never been spoken.