Frustration in the Psychotherapy process

Some experiences in the therapeutic process can be frustrating for the client. Through therapy, the client becomes aware of, feels, and acknowledges certain needs that they cannot yet fulfill because they don't know how or are not yet brave enough to do so. For example, someone might repeatedly say "yes" to others, even if it means giving up their only free time or the need to rest or do something else. All our behaviors have been acquired for a good reason, including the tendency some of us have to say "yes" too often when we actually mean "no." This behavior has served as a protection against rejection and a way to connect with others. We have become accustomed to functioning in this way, so the possibility of saying "no" may seem threatening, dangerous, risking upsetting someone, criticism, conflict, or even rejection.

However, through psychotherapy and a deeper understanding of their own needs, the client will find themselves in a situation of choice. They will realize that they have a choice between their previously learned behavior and their need, which they now clearly feel. This situation is often very frustrating because it feels like they have to step out of their comfort zone and take risks or neglect their own needs, essentially betraying themselves.

In therapy, we empower ourselves to choose ourselves. And only when we learn this can we learn how to care for the needs of others. However, this process is usually gradual, and we learn it through practice, trial and error, and trying again. This process has its ups and downs. Sometimes we do really well, and other times we watch in real-time as we disappoint ourselves. The great thing is that through therapy, our mistakes become real teachers. Through each new situation, we discover something new about ourselves, our relationships, and others. Through every mistake we become aware of, we grow. Through every success, we gain strength. This is a process of experiential learning. 

 

My mentor used to tell me, "I know it's difficult for you, and I empathize with that, and I'm somewhat glad you're having this experience." I understood that as, "Yes, it's tough, but it's good to start learning about myself through this difficulty, that this experience, under expert guidance and in a safe environment, is illuminating the misconceptions and false expectations I had somewhere along the line, and that it's the source of pain." This insight is invaluable because, in addition to the pain, it provides guidance and hope for change. I will likely have to make these mistakes many more times, each time with more awareness, courage, and greater skill to make a better, more mature choice in that moment.

This is what we seek in the processes of self-discovery and self-empowerment, those precious frustrations that lead to growth.