We all need huge compassion
The theme of compassion, towards oneself and others, is personally very close to my heart.
Compassion towards oneself is entirely distinct from self-pity. Self-pity is accompanied by a sense of victimhood, where blame and responsibility are placed on another person, along with the expectation that they should change or something should change for us to feel better. It's not the most mature way to handle our own emotions.
Za razliku od toga, suosjećanje sa sobom je jedan topli prostor u sebi koji je otvoren za mene da u njemu cijelim svoje povrede. U tom prostoru osjećam nježnost prema sebi, razumijevanje za to da mi je teško, da se bojim, da sam posramljena, usamljena, tužna, bespomoćna, što god. Nije to prostor za bijeg jer u njemu jasno proživljavam ono što je teško i svjesna sam toga. U tom sam prostoru u kontaktu sa sobom. Npr. postoji jasnoća o tome da nemam podršku na poslu i da je okruženje tamo kaotično i toksično; osjećam frustraciju i tugu jer će netko blizak reći da pretjerujem ili da je to naprosto tako i nekako to trebam normalizirati. Ili osjećam umor i konfuziju jer moji pokušaji da promjenim stvari nisu donijeli poboljšanje. Osjećam sram jer vjerujem da ja u stvari nisam dovoljno dobra i ne vrijedim.
And then, within the inner space of self-compassion, everything is present. However, it isn't left to its own devices, and it's not devoid of solace. There exists a kind, gentle, calm presence that validates both me and my experiences. Alongside the weight of difficult emotions, it infuses warmth, understanding, and compassion. It's an inner grown-up presence, mature, supportive, and unconditional. It fosters healing, soothes, and aids in navigating through challenging experiences.
How is this space of self-compassion cultivated? As we grow, we all accumulate a multitude of self- beliefs and beliefs about the world, accompanied by a chorus of inner critics. These accumulations happen day by day. Negative self-beliefs and worldviews take root in situations where, as children, we were afraid and left to confront our inner turmoil without the means to understand or regulate it. Whenever we felt shame, sometimes through seemingly harmless jests at our expense, whenever we were silenced from expressing our feelings so as not to disturb someone, whenever we were neglected or mistreated. When we had to seek approval. The list is often quite extensive. Those who were fortunate to receive ample self-compassion during their formative years and had a wealth of mature, supportive guidance in navigating difficult situations learned to develop this space of self-compassion early on.
For everyone else who has yet to learn self-compassion, they can go through this process by re- experiencing difficult moments with a healthier perspective and support. They create connections between what they are going through today and what was experienced and learned in the past. They understand their needs and the circumstances and context of past experiences. They realize how past events shaped their adaptation mechanisms in various situations, and they comprehend the origins of their misconceptions and defenses. Especially, they understand where the self-doubt, obsessions, anxiety, control needs, the need for validation, and the pursuit of love and respect stem from. In this place of genuine engagement with their own feelings and needs, with clear insights into their origins, and with the support and witness of another person who can view them with more benevolent eyes, they can hope to open up a space where they allow love for themselves – genuine and unconditional.
It enables them to better see and feel the complexity of their lives and the profound need for compassion – for each and every one of us.
Maya Angelou
Lying, thinking
Last night
How to find my soul a home
Where water is not thirsty
And bread loaf is not stone
I came up with one thing
And I don’t believe I’m wrong
That nobody,
But nobody
Can make it out here alone.
Alone, all alone
Nobody, but nobody
Can make it out here alone.
All of us require profound compassion for our losses, our wrong choices, and our human nature that enables us to adapt to various circumstances, sometimes in ways that hurt ourselves or others. We need compassion for situations when others misunderstood us, didn't appreciate or love us enough, or silenced, neglected, or mistreated us – especially if this was a pattern from childhood and persisted for a long time. Compassion necessitates an understanding of how our self-perception, our view of the world, and our interactions with ourselves and others have evolved. When we have insights and compassion, it becomes much easier to make positive changes. This can be discovered in the processes of counseling and therapy.